Maybe that's part of the reason I am feeling different right now. Things are quiet around here lately, almost silent. By quiet, I don't mean audibly quiet. There's plenty of noise...kids playing/arguing/laughing/crying, etc....tv, music, video games. All kinds of noise. But my soul, on the other hand, is quiet.
Have I become dependent on the idea of relying on God to show up in yet another cake decorating opportunity? I feel at times that my faith is built only by my circumstances, and that it is not grounded in the Truth. When my circumstances change and life shifts, the one constant I have is my God, my Rock, my Refuge. I'm not sureat this moment that my actions back up my words.
What happens when there are no cakes on the agenda, and God becomes quiet to me?
I am at a very honest spot right now, and very raw. I feel confused, scared and unsure of almost everything that I once not that long ago considered solid and stable. Different is scary, change is overwhelming. Lots of changes in our family recently have resulted in me grasping at loose ends, trying to hold on to some sort of normalcy, but yet there is nothing normal about anything right now.
Can I attach myself to the security of a stable income, job, health or friends? I can and I have, but I have also discovered that attaching myself to those things results in a completely false sense of security. What happens when those things are no longer so stable? What do I cling to then? Who do I cling to?
I know God hears me. I know it. But everything in me wants to grab a megaphone and shout to Him, "WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO THIS?"
I know I don't need a megaphone. I don't even need to whisper my words.
My thoughts are enough...
He hears me.
He sees me.
He knows me.
It's so quiet in my spirit that I almost can't even hear God. The silence is almost more then I can bear. Almost. I know in my doubt I can turn to His Word and be reminded of His promises to me. He reminds me in Psalm 46:10 to "Be still and know that I am God". Not to hear it, or feel it, or experience it, but to know it. I know it because His Word is true and it is for me. He is for me and I do know that there is a manipulative force that is trying everything it it's power to get me to believe that God is not for me. One of the many lies the enemy will throw my way.
If He can hear me, why can't I hear Him? I am doing all the "right" things, but my realization is that it's not about doing anything right or wrong. He asks me to be patient and wait on Him. He asks me to talk to Him, even if I don't hear Him answer right away. He asks me to read His Word and be obedient to it.
So, in the midst of the silence, I will set my eyes on Him. I'll try not to look down at my twisting and turning path but keep my focus on the One who sets my path before me. I'll try to look at the unknown in expectation of what God's going to do with it, and in turn my faith will grow and mature. Not because of my circumstances, but in spite of them.
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; In the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation....make straight your way before me." -Psalm 5:3,8
